So I've been thinking. A lot. I don't know if it's my age, the approach of a new year, motherhood or just the general state of the universe but I haven't spent this much time just thinking in my life. Not even when I was a student at a highly-selective liberal arts college where my fricking purpose was to sit and postulate about all sorts of BS did I think this much.
I suppose in some ways, I'm thinking more now because the answers to the questions I'm asking are so much more important (A), and also so much harder to find (B). No amount of research in the school library is going to provide a correct answer to the questions I'm pondering. Also, failing at personal finances and parenthood are a much bigger deal than flunking History of Women in the American South (Hist. 304). Yes, I really did take that course. No, it's not really helping me figure out my future as a Woman in the American South. Sorry alma mater.
My house hasn't sold, and I'm wondering if part of the problem (part only, because a stock market crash, banks that are doing everything possible to withhold credit and a surplus of houses on the market are all certainly contributing factors) is that we don't really want to move. We would like the financial freedom and flexibility that will come from selling at the right price, but we don't really want to go anywhere else. We love our home, and after 5 years of hard work, it's almost the house I knew it could be. We love this area of the city passionately and don't really want to go anywhere else. We're close to our friends, the zoo, botanical gardens, aquarium and science center. It's a wonderful place to live. Also, moving is a pain in the ass.
So I'm wondering if the people who have been visiting our house don't somehow sense that we really aren't ready to move on? Perhaps not, but I'm beginning to realize that it really is a factor in my own head. But if we stay... If we stay can we afford to go to all of those wonderful places I just mentioned? Can we afford to adopt another child? After affording the adoption of that child will we be able to feed, clothe and diaper him or her? Will we be able to tolerate the shrinking of our personal space in a house that isn't growing but a family that is? Most importantly, what is the best thing for Grasshopper?
As most mother's know, that's where the endless circles your mind makes keep coming back to rest. Your child. You want to do the very best that you can by them, but what IS the very best?
I sure don't know. I only know that if I think about it any more I should at least get 3 credits.