Friday, May 22, 2009

Flashback Friday: The Green-Eyed Monster


I'm participating in Flashback Friday again and I think it's an outstanding concept! Here is how Scary Mommy lays it out:

You know those posts that you wrote way back when only your mother was reading? The ones you wish actual people had read? That’s what Flashback Fridays are for. Don’t have any? How about that old story or photo that you could never find a reason to post? Don’t be shy!

The Green-Eyed Monster [originally published October 29, 2008]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a jealous woman.

I desire a second child for my family with a ferocity that sometimes scares even me. When I see new babies, or women who are pregnant, or even empty infant car seat boxes by the side of the road, my chest aches, the tears prick behind my eyes & I wonder, "why them, why not me?"

If it is someone that I know well, and like, who has what I want it's somewhat easier. If it's someone that I don't like or respect as much, look out 'cause the green-eyed monster is going to be spewing venom in my head. Things like, "Oh my GAWD she is letting the not-even-14-month-old drink Coke, what kind of mother does that? Why does she get three beautiful children?" or "She watches COPS every night with the two year old for family time, why does she get another kid and not ME?"

And then I like a myself a lot less.

This is not the kind of person that I want to be, or the kind of mother that I want Grasshopper to have. He deserves better. So do I. But I don't know how to stop. I have been here before, in this place where my desire to be a mother has outweighed almost every other thought in my head and I had hoped not to ever be here again, or at least not so soon after adopting Grasshopper. But here I sit.

Infertility is BITCH people, make no mistake about it. She attacks quite a number of women, not just me, but I seem to be the only one I care about (which is another strike against me if you're keeping track). I don't feel like I even have the right to feel this awful when I do, in fact have a child. When I am, in fact a mother already. Somehow though, it isn't enough. I feel myself becoming distant from those people around me whose own procreative joy is becoming a toxic substance and I can hardly breathe when they are near. People who I KNOW have every right to their blessings, perhaps even more right than I have, but I can't be happy for them. Not today anyway.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Perhaps tomorrow I will get some good news of my own, like an offer on our house (which will hopefully provide us with the money necessary to adopt again), or a resolution to the on-going battle with the adoption attorney who stole our money and broke our hearts twice-over in our quest for a second child. Perhaps tomorrow the green-eyed monster will take the day off and I'll be happy in my own head again.

I sure hope so. Because Grasshopper deserves better. And so do I.


Note from the author: We decided to take our house off of the market. We love where we live. But we still don't have the necessary funds to pursue our adoption. Click the "Be A Piece of the Puzzle" badge on the sidebar to learn more about us and how you can help. Thanks!


Jennifer said...

I understand infertility, and she is a BITCH. It took us seven years to conceive our Baby Girl. Seven years of pills and pokes and prods and surgeries and disappoint. And after that seven years the doctors told us they just didn't know why. There was no explanation. Heartbreak is not a strong enough word.

And then one day out of the blue. Pregnant. Our little miracle baby. And then it happened a second time. I'm still wondering why and how did this happen. But thank God every day that it did.

Jealousy is ok. All of your feelings are justified. Just keep hoping and praying and remembering that God has a plan, and when it is time it will happen.

But do not ever beat yourself up for being jealous.

Scary Mommy said...

I would feel exactly the same way. She is a nasty bitch- I've wanted to beat her up for several of my friends. And she does get around. Dirty tramp.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

That bitch lived with me for a long time, too. After meds, procedures and finally one round of IVF (followed by a condolence card from the clinic with a peppy 'contact us to reschedule your next round'), we decided to adopt. It was a long and difficult wait but we have a terrific little guy now.

Have you looked into I don't know much about it but saw an interview on the Today Show a few months ago. The founders are family who went through adoption. They give grants to help people adopt. Maybe it's worth looking into. (I'm new to your blog so sorry if you've already mentioned it or checked it out.)