Tuesday, April 28, 2009


As I alluded to in my last post, JR and I spent a lot of time over the past few days analyzing the situation we unexpectedly found ourselves in. We were confronting old ghosts, and old dreams and it was rough going. He never wavered in his stance that these people were not people that we could trust and that we ought not to have any dealings with them whatsoever.

For me, it was not nearly so cut and dry. Yes, we have suffered greatly at the hands of these women. No, I do not want to do so again. In fact, I'm not sure that I could survive it.

But there is Grasshopper to consider. There is always Grasshopper to consider. He is the greatest joy of my life. He is a marvelous little boy who I hope to guide into becoming a marvelous man. And when he is a man, I will need to tell him everything that I know about his birthfamily, and I will have to look him in the eye and explain our decisions to him. I want to know that we did everything we could. I want to know that we have not let him down. Saying "No" to this sibling without knowing the circumstances was just not something I could do.

So we compromised. I called my friend Good Attorney who helped us out when Evil Attorney unexpectedly faxed bills for many thousands of dollars to JR's office on New Years Eve for an adoption that had "failed" 7 months prior. With a note requesting that we please post-date our check for the previous year.

I told Good Attorney that I couldn't just turn my back on this situation and that I wanted to call Evil Attorney but was scared to do so. She suggested that I allow her to make the phone call for me and I nearly wept with gratitude. If merely seeing the area code on my phone had caused me to shake, cry and nearly vomit, I can only imagine what actually speaking to the woman would have done to me.

So yesterday afternoon Good Attorney finally got through to Evil Attorney. Evil Attorney expressed outrage at "the way JR had spoken to her" on Friday and was looking for an apology. None was forthcoming. (In speaking to my husband he showed me the bloody spot on his tongue where he bit it so hard during their conversation. I believe that he never said anything inappropriate, and even if he did, WTF lady? Did you honestly expect him to be blowing sunshine and rainbows up your...?) She also suggested that I was sneaking behind my husband's back in having Good Attorney contact her.

Good Attorney assured her that JR had full knowledge of this conversation and asked a number of pointed questions and discovered many things about the situation that I find unbloggable because I need to protect the privacy of my child. Suffice to say, it was enough to convince me that the child she is carrying is not meant for our family. It would be impossible for us to proceed with this adoption for myriad reasons, not just because of our painful past.

For me, a weight has been lifted. I am so relieved to know that I can indeed hold my head high when I tell my son why we didn't accept his birthmother's offer of the potential for a biological sibling for him this time. I am hopeful that Allison will indeed follow through and place this child with a loving family. There are so many of them out there, waiting and hoping and praying that a birthmother might choose them. I hope that they will get to experience the wonder and joy that raising Grasshopper is giving us.

Now that we know where she is again, I will resume sending photos and updates of our child to her. Not just because I hope that seeing the life that he has will inspire her to place this child and any subsequent children with loving families, but because it is the right thing to do.

For JR, and for many of my friends, the slate was wiped clean when Allison chose to lie and cheat and steal from us, and we no longer owe her anything. For me, that's not true. I will never stop owing her for giving Grasshopper life and for allowing him to spend that life with us. Almost 3 years ago I made a promise to her that she would always know how he is doing, how he is growing, and how loved he is.

Unlike her, I honor my commitments and I will continue to honor this one.


Mama Goose said...

I am so happy that you have come to this space. I ached for you. I wish more people could have a heart as big as yours.

StephLove said...

I'm glad you've come to a decision you can feel at peace with.

Manic Mommy said...

Another friend happy to find you at peace.

I give you tremendous credit for allowing her to know Grasshopper through you.

Praying for Grasshopper's siblings - the biological and those he may have with your family.

Anonymous said...

I, too, am glad you are at peace about this. My offer to watch Grasshopper, do laundry, etc. still stands if you and John need some time for closure, etc. And I have chicken boudine in my freezer now if you need a quick dinner! I'm here for whatever you need.
--Ilene H.

Stacey said...

I so admire your levelheadedness and your strength. Grasshopper has two amazing parents and I know he will be blessed with a sibling when the time is right.
Bless you all!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Inspired thinking calling Good Attorney! You rock sister and you ARE STRONG!

stephanie said...

Gah, my blog reader has been messing up and I am just now catching up. I am so sorry to hear about what you've just been though, but happy that you're at peace with your decision.

I hate it when people tell me that Moe is so lucky, but please understand when I say that Grasshopper is very lucky to have you.

Funnyrunner said...

Holy cow. You poor thing. I hope your new-found peace continues.

Tatiana @ averygoodyear.net said...

It sounds as if you made the right choice for your family, but I'm sure it was heart-breaking to turn away your son's biological sibling. Still, it seems like Good Attorney is really on your side.

You're a strong woman for continuing to keep Grasshopper's birth mom updated on his progress, when she's shown such callous disregard for you. I don't know if I could do the same.