I had one of the most important conversations of my life yesterday.
On a busy thoroughfare. In the rain. At 5:00 pm.
Because why should anything be unnecessarily easy?
Yesterday Grasshopper and I went over to Good Attorney's house for a play date with her son, Little Z. Good Attorney is 7 months pregnant and looks every minute of it.(I hope she doesn't kill me for saying that. I'm hosting her baby shower in a couple of weeks and that could get awkward.)
On the way home from their house, Grasshopper had some questions about the baby in Good Attorney's tummy.
"Why does her got a baby in her tummy? Did her eat it?"
"No! No, honey. Good Attorney did not eat a baby. Babies grow in their mommy's tummy until they..."
"That's right, sweetheart, until they are born."
"Like I was in your tummy before I was born."
Oh, God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I did not expect to be doing this in rush hour traffic, on Ponce de Leon Ave. in the rain!
Please don't let me screw this up. Please.
I'm so not ready for a pop quiz.
I haven't had enough rehearsal time.
"Well. No. You didn't grow in my tummy Grasshopper."
"Yes I did. Before I got born."
"No, honey. You didn't grow in my tummy."
"I grew in your heart!"
Huh? I know that "grew in my heart, not in my tummy" is a cliched adoption saying, but it's not one that I've ever parroted. I appreciate the sentiment behind it, but JR and I always thought that it would be confusing to children, especially young children. So we've never said it.
"Well, I've loved you since even before you were born, so you've been IN my heart for a long time, but you didn't grow there. You grew in another lady's tummy. She is your Birthmother."
"Why her is my Birthmother? Why I not grow in your tummy?"
Because the universe isn't always fair.
Because this is how we were meant to be.
Because I could never have created anyone as perfect as you.
"Because my tummy doesn't work right for growing babies. So your Birthmother grew you for me, and after you were all ready to come out..."
"I got bornded!"
"Yes. You were born and then your daddy and I adopted you and I became your Forever Mommy, and he became your Forever Daddy. We love you so much."
"Little Z has a Birthmother, too?"
Why the extra-credit question son? Did you really have to do this?
My palms are sweating so much I can hardly turn the wheel.
I can't even see your face!
Was this really necessary?
"Yes. Everyone has a Birthmother. For some people, their Birthmother and their Forever Mother are the same person. Like my mother is my Birthmother, because I grew in her tummy, and also she is my Forever Mommy."
"And my Grandmommy!"
"Why da winsheild wipers go swish, Mommy?"
I don't know baby. I'm just glad that I can tell you, "I don't know." and let the tears roll right on down my face.
I'm so glad that you're watching the wipers and can't see me.
I've practiced for this day since before I ever laid eyes on you.
Since those first nights after we decided to adopt.
Laying there in the darkness I would imagine this conversation with some faceless child (a girl, by the way) and picture us sitting on the beach, or in her bed at night enjoying snuggles before we tucked her in.
She was always at least 4 and a half.
I never once pictured having this conversation with a 3 year old.
But then, I never pictured you.
You are everything that a Forever Mother (or a Birthmother) could hope for.
I love you, baby boy.
I really hope I didn't screw this up.