Monday, February 23, 2009


When his phone rang as we were getting Grasshopper ready for bed, JR and I both rolled our eyes. How many times in one evening could his employees possibly interrupt us?

I wish now that it had been one of his managers calling to ask when thus-and-such delivery was expected.

Instead, it was my mother-in-law, and since it was not too many hours ago, I have yet to even begin to sort out all of the implications and ramifications of what she told us.

My husband's only nephew, his oldest sister's only child, has committed suicide.

He was thirty-one years old. The same age as me.

Thirty-one years is too short. Thirty-one years is just getting started. Thirty-one years is simply not enough time to truly LIVE.

My heart is breaking for my sister-in-law who is experiencing a pain that my mind will not even allow me to contemplate. For my mother-in-law and father-in-law who have lost their first grandchild, and until our Grasshopper came, their only grandson.

My heart is breaking for my husband, who has been estranged from his nephew for the past few years and is feeling more guilty for this loss than he wants to let on.

Mostly, my heart is breaking for a man whose thirty-one years of life were enough to convince him that he did not want any more. That all of the questions, the pain and the guilt that his passing has left were a worthy legacy if he could just not breathe any more.

I wish, as we the Left Behind always do, that there was something I could have said. Something I could have done. I wish that he could have seen the world, just for a little while, through the eyes of a child again. I know that doing so keeps me looking forward to tomorrow.

Go in peace B. I miss you now, and will likely miss you even more tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Oh my God, there are no words.
All I can say is I am so very sorry, and we will be keeping you and your family in our bedtime prayers tonight.

Manic Mommy said...

How shocking. How horrible. I hope he has found his peace.

I'll pray for him and all your family. Most especially for his mother, whose pain I can not imagine.

Mama Goose said...

I hope I will never know the pain of a mother who has lost a child. Or the pain of someone who feels there is nothing left worth living for. My heart aches for you and your family and wish you all strength to get through this tough time and find the peace poor B could never find.

MadameQueen said...

I'm so, so sorry. I've been in your shoes so I have an inkling of the pain and confusion you're feeling. Try not to beat yourself up with the what ifs -- it's hard not to, but they will make you crazy. If you want to talk about it, you can email me at themadamequeen at gmail dot com.

Anonymous said...

Heartbreaking!! Sorry for your loss!

Dysd Housewife said...

Looks like you are having a moment too. (read my post) :( Death sucks. But suicide seems doubly cruel, because it didn't HAVE to happen. :::HUGS:::

Funnyrunner said...

Aww. I'm so, so sorry. I hope you all find some peace.

StephLove said...

I'm so very, very sorry for your family's loss.